I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Do you have feelings for this penis?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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