Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
