a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize