The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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