Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
