Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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