3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
