I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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