New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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