Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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