please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Who died my cat blue again?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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