I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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