Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
