where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
