I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
