my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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