The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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