Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
