she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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