I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
