he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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