Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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