there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize