Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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