I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I need to align my fucking chakras
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
