I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
