If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
