He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
