My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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