I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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