i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
