Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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