I wish I could teleport
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
