cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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