he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
