In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
