Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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