seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
