Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize