: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I believe in your delicious
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
