She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize