If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Randomize
