The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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