Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
