Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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