My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
