Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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