New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
