Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
