Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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