This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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