i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
