you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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