the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
