Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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