So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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