there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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