i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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