you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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