this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize