I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
